The Hard Ons - AlfalfaMales Once Summer is DoneConform or Die

Mon 20th Sep, 2010 in Music Reviews

The Hard Ons stall is located in the Bizzaro World Showbag Pavilion. A huge banner hangs above the entrance advertising ‘The Hard Ons Alfalfa Males Once Summer is Done Conform or Die Showbag’ in garish cartoon psychedelic colours. The sign promises the Alfalfa Males Once Summer is Done Conform or Die showbag will be packed full of novelties, tricks and jokes at a bargain price. Clocking in at just 40 minutes and packing in a whopping 19 songs it has an actual monetary value of about a hundred bucks.

“A bargain indeed” you declare as Ray Ahn hands over the Alfalfa Male Showbag and quickly takes your money. One has a glimpse of Blackie and Pete asleep near the back of the tent. It’s been a grueling 30 years work peddling these damn bags to the kids!

When you get outside you tear open the bag and check its contents to see if they are all present. You smile as you realise It has far more value than you expected. The bag is chock full of great songs and overflowing with smarts and humour. There are novelties and jokes and some serious riffing pumped by furious Motorhead drumming. There are insane power pop hooks and possessed by Satan vocals. All at once it is a focused microcosm of Avant/Thrash/Punk/Psych/Metal/Death/Power Pop/K-Tel compilation record by three shirtless middle aged men defying convention and laughing in the face of mainstream music.

You feel like you are part of a giant in-joke that you don’t really get – but what the hell, it’s funny anyway!