Leeuwin Concert 2010

Tue 16th Feb, 2010 in Gig Reviews

A Guide on how to survive the Leeuwin Concert for Gen X and Y if you are shanghaied into attending by your parents or partner- a personal account.

The Leeuwin Concert – Welcome to the land of balding pates, middle aged spread, rheumatoid arthritis, bad dancing, poor hand clapping rhythm and ageing middle of the road “rockers” who are 30 years past their prime.

Here is a simple list of do’s and don’ts which should get you through the evening:

Do drink to excess. Everyone else is, so you might as well – and it’ll help the banal tunes wash over you like a warm sponge bath. In a lesson to other organisers, beer and wine are reasonably priced and you practically never have to queue.

Do not do drugs even though there are no sniffer dogs or even police. Unless the main act is Pink Floyd, drugs will only enhance the awfulness of the music and you have a good chance of a psychotic episode during one of the the interminable ballads. If you really must score, go looking for the ageing hippies smoking “funny” cigarettes behind the toilets.

Do attempt to sneak in spirits. Your bags and eskies will be checked, but they will only be given a cursory glance because after all, this is not the Big Day Out. A well placed hip flask on your person will get through every time and you should reach for it as soon as the cover band launches into the Abba medley. Do not use a mixer, drink straight from the flask, it’s your only chance.

Do not drink and drive. RBTs are everywhere after the concert and there are heaps of buses going to most major destinations. See below for 2 timely warnings.

Do not get on the bus that hands out song sheets for the way home; unless you like listening to a bunch of oldies slur their way through My Darling Clementine. Slashing your wrists with pages from the song book won’t work, but the pain from the paper cuts will take your mind off the dire situation you find yourself in.

Do not be late onto the bus for the trip home. Older people with dodgy bladders do not like to be kept waiting and you will be met with a resounding chorus of boos. Replying with a good natured middle finger doesn’t go down well either.

Do bring food. There are limited options on-site and I’ll bet you’ve forgotten how good your Mum’s Quiche tastes.

Do not get tickets for the corporate section and hob nob with celebs, pollies and other A-listers in penguin suits and evening dresses. Australia is a classless society and regular Leeuwin attendees jeer and mock these fortunate few and if you’re a lady what you are wearing and how your hair is done will be met with malevolent scrutiny.

Do sit next to the fenced off corporate section. After the main act, the well heeled will make their way right past you with half full bottles of wine which, with a little persuasion, they are happy to give to you as they make their way to the marquee for more free food and drinks. It might make you a tight-arse, but you’ve just scored free booze for the rest of the night.

Do pelvic floor exercises. Ladies, despite the very good organisation of this concert, the long wait at the toilet still exists. Take up smoking while you are in the queue, it’ll waste time and give you something to do with your hands.

Do behave yourself. This is not the mosh pit for Fear Factory and if you act like an aggressive idiot not only will you confirm what the older generation already thinks of us but you will also be a wanker.

Do not whinge. Everyone knows you don’t dig the music so stop telling anyone who’ll listen how crap it is and let others enjoy themselves. Use the hip flask instead.

Do not look to pick up. Almost nobody is single and the best you could hope to do is a 45 year old with 3 kids. This is not Cougar Town!

Do not sit next to people who have brought their small children along. Kids won’t sit still for 5 minutes let alone 6 hours so their parents will be entertaining them with silly games and waving teddy in their face all night. Poor buggers probably couldn’t get a babysitter. Avoid at all costs.

Do bring a jumper. Regardless of how hot the day is, it’s cold at night and although it’s fun trying, two litres of Cab Merlot does not keep you warm.

Do run to get the best spot when the gates open. It’s everyone for themselves and let’s face it, you are mainly competing against people with dodgy backs and hip replacements so if you can’t out race them, it’s off to the gym for you buddy!

Do have fun. Your parents won’t be around forever and would it kill you to sit on a picnic rug in a beautiful setting and eat and drink yourself stupid while watching them have a good time reliving their youth? No, I thought not. If it’s the worse thing that’s going to happen to you in life then you have a lot to look forward to.