This was my first Big Day Out, and probably my last. Not that there was anything wrong with the music – the acts were all ace. The layout was well-designed. The food was above sub-par. Lilyworld was rad. The organisers were, with a couple of exceptions, on the ball.

The main problem was the punters; they were stupid. There’s only so much crowd controllers can do if people deliberately do the opposite of everything the safety signs say. Braless girls in the pit wearing miniskirts, dangly earrings and open-toed shoes were complaining that people were pulling their hair. There were even two different people with wheelchairs trying to get into the D Barrier, despite the large sign saying “NO WHEELCHAIRS OR CRUTCHES” and, more importantly, recklessly endangering themselves.

Stupidity aside, Triple J’s Hottest 100 countdown seemed to be on everyone’s minds. Perth’s Tame Impala toasted the competition before playing Remember Me: “Here’s to this song getting in!” And it must’ve worked – the psychedelic troupers’ track made the cut along with 17 other BDO performers.

British rockers Kasabian filled the Orange Stage mosh to the brim with punters eager to hear some tunes. They sure got what they wanted, with the band unleashing Vlad the Impaler, Fast Fuse, Fire, Club Foot, Shoot the Runner and a whole bunch more. Back at the Converse Essential Stage, Passion Pit lead a sea of indie hipsters into some ferocious dancing with their cover of the Cranberries’ Dreams, leaving the crowd frantically searching their drunken minds trying to figure out what song it was.

Dizzee Rascal was a big surprise, with his dirty hip hop appealing to hardcore genre fans, pop kids and rockers alike. Dizzee showed off his cheeky side, dedicating Flex to “all the sexy ladies here in Melbourne to let you know I love it when you flex like that.” What would’ve sounded sleazy coming out of anyone else’s mouth came across as positively dapper with his British accent. But the crowd must’ve had trouble understanding him, because when he instructed the crowd to go, “aaaaaw” on the count of three, half the crowd started making noises prematurely. He grinned and repeated like a smartarse, “On the count of three…”

Being stuck at the Blue Stage crowd in anticipation for Muse, I couldn’t actually see Lily Allen but I could hear her. As much as it pains me to admit it, the Brit’s performance was rock solid. Her set included 22, Smile, Not Fair, The Fear and the uber-catchy Fuck You, during which the crowd waved their middle fingers around like teenagers. Allen also performed a cover of fellow Paparazzi hog Britney’s Womanizer. While paying out the crowd for being sun smart (“You’re all wearing sunnies when clearly I’m in one in [the sun]. You’re all pussies!”), someone attempted to throw something at her. She retorted with a Nelson Muntz chortle: “Ha-ha. That hit the security guard.” According to those who could see her, she flashed her pretty bits to those lucky ones by the Orange Stage, firmly cementing her reputation as the rude, crude, caustic yet sugar-voiced songstress that she is.

Back to the Blue Stage, this reviewer copped an eyeful of The Mars Volta. Lead singer Cedric Bixler-Zavala must be a stripper in his spare time. The man had the girls in the crowd swooning as he jived and jiggled throughout their entire set, frequently breaking out into Chippendale-esque moves. The mischievous vocalist even hopped off stage and stood on the crowd barricades with a cap and sunnies he borrowed from a crowd controller, singing, “My future’s so bright I need SHADES!” The Texan psychedelic band opened with Son et Lumiere which went on into Inertiatic ESP. Bixler-Zavala also led them through Cotopaxi, Goliath, Cicatriz ESP and L – œVia L – œViaquez. As soon as they finished closing track Roulette Dares (The Haunt of), one female sighed, “I think I orgasmed…”

Proud Aussies Powderfinger had the unfortunate spot of being scheduled between The Mars Volta and headliners Muse, but they seemed to please those in the crowd who were just happy to be at BDO for the atmostphere than the line-up. The ever-cheerful Bernard Fanning made a joke about Triple J’s Hottest 100, mentioning their win in 2000 with My Happiness and how their next song would be number one, before humorously covering 2009 winners Mumford & Sons.

Muse completed the Brit invasion with their brand of stadium rock, and proved exactly why they are frequently toted as the biggest rock band in modern times. There is probably no other band currently touring that can make a crowd go as ballistic and mental as Muse. Opening with Uprising, they fit an impressive amount of their festival catalogue into their set, including Hysteria, Super Massive Black Hole, New Born, Starlight and Time is Running Out. It would also appear that much of the crowd were new Muse fans, with massive cheers for tracks like United States of Eurasia, Unnatural Selection, MK Ultra and Undisclosed Desires from their newest record.

The British trio started their encore with Plug In Baby, a festival favourite that the crowd went crazy to after gaining some energy from the brief reprieve from moshing. The band then invited Jet’s Nick Cester to perform AC/DC’s Back In Black just for the Australia Day celebrations (except for the fact that we all knew that Sydney got it too). Ending with Knights of Cydonia, Muse proved they had perfected their art.

Their Melbourne set was as polished as anything on their live DVDs, and the stage was rigged with lasers, mirrors, lights, smoke and three giant screens. Matt Bellamy even did his famous I-can-play-guitar-while-shuffling-effortlessly move, as well as bending over suggestively for the crowd to get a good view of his arse in tight leather pants. The name “Muse” is so appropriate – these three English lads probably inspire many bands around the world to get their performances as tight as Bellamy’s pants.

CHECK OUT THE PHOTOS OF THE BANDS AND THOSE FESTIVAL PUNTERS