Psycho druids from Mars were after us, and the reason was a mystery. All we knew was there were flyers, featuring a crude drawing of my companion Ms Trouble, being distributed around the city. Ms T had never been to Mars nor met a Druid, so why did they want her. The Druids were reclusive and not much was known of their practices.
No one even knew if they were friendly or dangerous. But seeing a poster with the slogan ‘HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?’ is enough to make anyone nervous. We were not even sure what they looked like. Is it true they are green and wear the skins of dead humans so they can walk amongst us? Or is that just the xenophobic rantings of the Earth First-ers?
Tonight was the night The BellRays returned on their Maximum Rock and Soul voodoo train. Things have changed in the BellRays camp since they were last here and blew everyone off stage. Guitarist Tony Fate, has left the band and bassist Bob Vennum has moved (back) to guitar. Craig Waters remains on drums and Lisa Kekaula stays out front with her amazing voice.
Ms Trouble and I were doing our best to look inconspicuous as we passed Lisa in the alley beside The Metro. Lisa looked at the poster of Ms Trouble and then at Ms Trouble, and instantly recognised her. The drawing was not as crude as we had hoped. I signaled for Lisa to be quiet, and she nodded in understanding as Ms Trouble and I entered the venue.
I was expecting blood when the Ripping Dylans took stage first. But they were not a stage act that involved the dismemberment of Bob Dylan. Pity. They played a kind of jangly, manic, fuzzed-up rock. The moderately successful and equally popular Mess Hall came on next with a slightly moodier, whinier, and swaggering set of rock. Descriptions for the supports from the audience ranged from mediocre to boring. It was not that the bands were bad; it is that they were inappropriate for the BellRays. Poor booking for supports is common practice. The BellRays supported Radio Birdman when they were last here, and it was always going to be hard compete with that bill.
Lisa nodded to us as the BellRays took the stage. We followed her eyes to one of her roadies and made our way over. He showed us a machine designed for identifying Martians. Drunken Druids have turned up at BellRays gigs before and caused no end of problems, trying to perform rituals during the set.
The start of the BellRays set seemed subdued. Maybe it was the songs from the new album, Hard Sweet and Sticky, or maybe it was the new line-up. Unfazed by this, Lisa was telling the crowd to scream like it was Friday night, not a Thursday, and the crowd obliged. Everything changed, appropriately enough, after One Big Party. The band loosened up and everything went a little wilder.
A Druid made it to the stage, but Lisa was quick to throw her off and tell her, “You have not earned the right to be on this stage”. As the Druid fell back in to the crowd, the roadie tweaked the knobs on his machine and the Druid collapsed. It is surprisingly easy to disable Martians thanks to the heavier gravity, oxygen rich atmosphere, potent alcohol and warmer climate.
The crowd did not notice the battle. They were grooving to Psychotic Hate Man, The Fire Next Time, and That’s Not The Way It Should Be, but I could tell they were waiting for something big. Something old school. Something they could really shake their butts too. That came with the classic and potent Voodoo Train. The introduction to it was prolonged and enticing, before the band cut loose. Lisa’s voice boomed out across the Metro, and the roadie pointed out more Druids dropping. A few more songs and the too-short set was over.
Ms Trouble and I were nervous without the BellRays on stage to protect us. We needed the protection of Sister Disaster and her crew. Thankfully they returned quickly for their encore, and band introductions. Lisa may be a gifted and charismatic singer, but the drummer is the most entertaining band member. He did not stop flailing and pulling faces throughout the gig, and he never loosened his shirt and tie. By the end of the gig, his shirt was dripping with perspiration, and he did not care. Bob was enjoying being back on guitar and the bass player was also enjoying himself, although sometimes I thought he should have been playing in KC and the Sunshine Band. I won’t claim this is the best Bellrays line-up, but maybe it was the lack of faster songs in the set that made them seem less intense than last time. Or maybe it was my nervousness about the Druids.
The encore was short, and with Blues For Godzilla the roadie indicated that the last of Druids was incapacitated. Lisa thanked us and reminded us that they were the mighty BellRays. And everyone agreed. We left feeling safe, and that was almost our downfall. As we turned the corner, we were confronted by someone clearly not of this planet. It was too late to run, and we prepared to talk or fight our way out of the situation. The creature stretched out a hand and said, “Hair, please”.
“Hair?” Ms Trouble and I replied in unison. “Please. A strand of hair,” the Martian answered in a vaguely Romanian accent. That was all the Martians wanted? A strand of Ms Trouble’s hair? Ms T plucked a few from her head and handed them over. We felt guilty for the pain we caused the Martians inside the hall, but then we realised it was Tom Cruise’s fault. He taught us to fear Martians, when really we should be fearing him.
